June 2010
27 posts
The 90's
It is my firm belief that the 90’s ruined me for both love and men in general.
Buffy and Angel.
Melrose Place.
Ross and Rachel.
These great romances. Great romances, im seeing in this lifetime, dont exist. just the shitty little supporting role romances, that pale in comparison to the rush you feel from being with someone you shouldnt.
And i cant help but wonder, everyday, whether its...
Embarrassment.
I personally am a fucking embarrassment.
not only to myself, but to everyone i know.
no, im not fine.
Little Shop of Handmade →
So, possibly my fave looking site ever.
and full of beautiful things for me to investigate NEXT WEEK IN MELBOURNE!!
One Lazy Afternoon...
you can convince yourself of almost anything if you really want it.
or if you keep being told, that this time, its different.
i wont say it was different.
i wont say it was great and i wont say it was terrible either.
it was just nothing. nothing at all.
it never happened.
He has a name, and a face.
he confuses me. and hes a puzzle.
he seems interested. but is it just for the same thing as ever?
or does he maybe like me?
he seems to be putting in alot of effort.
but im not sure i like him that way.
but i do enjoy the fact that he can make me laugh out loud, over silly little comments.
and i like the smiles that i get when i talk to him.
but hes not perfect. and hes not right.
but...
Solids and Liquids.
this sculpture is the last piece that i have of you.
this is the end, the final finish.
i created it because you were so important to me. and now you will live on forever.
immortalised in plaster and paint.
i only wish you could have seen, how every little action, became such a part of me, became so sunken into my psychie.
i know i wont ever forget you.
but do you even think of me?
are the...
And Here are the Roses, But They Arent So Sweet...
i put up a tough exterior.
everyone does.
but occasionally, a bullet riccoches.
and it gets through the armour.
and this shouldnt have affected me. because its a fallacy. it didnt happen.
but it has. its shaken me up.
i hope you are fucking happy.
i feel like a horrible person. and i know im not.
but.
are there things i do that i dont register?
or things ive said that i just dont...
mornings.
in florals and stripes.
with bright eyes, and bushy hairs from having slept on it wet.
and the occasional ray of sunshine poking through the smog, and then again through my tiny bathroom window.
so much to do, and so little time, but the things to do are filled with joy.
suburban street noises, filter through an open window, which also lets in bugs and the scent of garbage trucks.
...
Positive/Negative
I wish that i was more positive.
ive broken down twice in the last week. to the point where i couldnt breathe and i couldnt cope and i was a mess.
why did i do that to myself? more importantly why did i do that to my friends and family? they dont deserve that.
all over small, rather insignificant things in the whole scheme of the world.
one assignment caused that much stress and loathing.
...
Guns but No Roses
she has a gun
a gun in her hands. freshly fired, warm.
the choice she has now is what to do next. take it further? make that choice?
is it worth what will come after?
is it worth another explosion?
or is she just a tease and a torment.
and then the gun is pulled.
she points it into her mouth.
the final blow
the end of the line.
theres no turning back now.
A Stranger and A Dream
a hug from behind.
with your chin on my shoulder.
warm.
while i tried to unlock my front door.
in a dark stairwell.
that first rush, that first flush.
you were first, the first for so long.
probably the most important.
but i never knew you. and you never knew me.
and that makes me so sad.
that i would have given it all. for a stranger and a dream.
Forever?
memories.
of buying green lighters.
and pizza. with completely different tastes.
and silly text messages, even though he was across the table from me.
and kissing in the dark
on the beach.
to that song.
1 month in i was sure it was forever.
but thats just life isnt it?
Haunted Dreams, Of You and Me
he is currently haunting my dreams.
as if its not bad enough that at the moment i cant get him off of my mind.
now he has to invade my subconscience too.
every possible scenario is being played out. friends. lovers. back together briefly. an impossible choice that i just cant make.
i just wish it was over already.
im loving that i am myself again, that numero uno is back to being me.
i like...
Promises
promises are cheap.
say one thing, mean another thats fine.
just dont think you can play that fucking game with me, buddy.
Salt Deposits
sleep.
it denys me still.
thoughts playing around inside my head like music notes, a song stuck on repeat.
sad lyrics, dreadful stories of love lost and love never found.
i want to cry but the tears dont seem to fall. its like my body has just dried up, retained what moisture it can and wont let me release.
i want to scream and rage and run away and be irrational and insane.
all for you.
...
Queen of Hearts
so im a little bit worried.
not for myself. i know im strong enough.
but others, im not so sure.
give me a little security and a little love and im your puppy.
but give me hard words and crappy attitude and im your slave.
since when did being independant become so indesirable?
he was everything.
and more. beyond everything.
and now hes nothing. hes no one.
he didnt exist. its easy to...
I Had A Dream...
matt was there. with a pony-tail, horrific expectation of a rat-tail.
i think id been invited to a barbeque at his parents place, which looked alot more like my uncles house. it was awkward. and it was fine untill he showed up and ran away and wouldnt look at me and wouldnt talk to me.
it made me increadibly sad.
i really miss him. i just want to talk to him.
Broken Memories
http://www.alternativephotography.com/wp/cameras-film/the-pinhole-camera-35-mm-matchbox
this particular website has inspired me today to create. to try and doccument. for my own sanity. the beautiful things in the world around me.
i need to remember the beauty some days.
Summer Sun on My Windowsill...
it really intrigues me how much music affects me. i mean, i hear the opening bars to a song, a song that i have to work with for my uni stuff, and bam, im in tears in a puddle on the floor.
i wish i wasnt an emotional person. but at the same time ive been freaking out lately that all of a sudden i dont care enough. i guess this afternoon proves that i do care. i still care.
its not the same kind...
S to tha U to tha B to tha Concience.
so i had some pretty fucked up dreams about my ex last night.
not the most current one, but the one that really fucked me up. its interesting, ive been using tony as a way to move past whats going on here with matt. like, remembering something else that was painful.
kinda like pinching yourself when you have a tootheache.
or cutting off a lip when you have a toothache. might be closer.
...
Are YOU Fucking Kidding Me? →
Come Get to Know Me, In a Place Where the Streets...
Contradictions make life interesting and i like to think im interesting.
i believe in love and will continue to no matter how many times i get hurt.
my family are everything, my friends a very close second.
im loud, im proud and im not what you expect.
im a bitch,
i do have more ass and boob that can be controlled in small doeses,
and opinions and attitudes based upon nothing other...
Its Really Rather Mundane
Ive begun lately to really miss the blogg that i had in highschool.
id like to go back and read it but im not sure where it is or where i would go to look for it or whether it even exists.
does anything get really removed from the internet these days?
i guess i want to go back to that i can talk to myself. stop myself from getting hurt by saying, look, sweetie, these things, they arent going...
